bleeding heart

Clichéd chocolate and cigarrettes

2005-02-11T00:37:00.000-05:00

I should change my blog title -- I'm not bleeding heart here, I'm more bitch-and-moan....

More work-related shit.

(another 20-something second pause...)

I am so hurt. I'm realizing how much my immediate "supervisor" (who has no actual authority, but who also has utterly failed to be any kind of true advocate for me) has truly let me down. .... I had this whole blog planned out, as of a few minutes ago when I was outside having a smoke. but now I'm deflated. I'm just so disappointed. I have been continually fucked over by the powers-that-be, and I fooled myself into thinking I had a department-team I could count on. And it's not that she (my supervisor) has committed any kind of horrific act of betrayal or anything. It's the complete lack of .... .... oh, I don't know, fucking ANYTHING that's hitting me. And the fact that my emotional reaction is all a-fucking-bout my own fucking history, i.e. in this case, emotionally speaking, she's my mom, letting me down (by the way - it sucks to know way too much about the origins of psychological/ emotional pathology sometimes ...).

I just can't even bring myself to discuss/describe the issue/situation. And I'm resorting to overuse of the "/" symbol.

I really thought I was doing an exceptional job at work. And I really thought that at least SHE recognized it, which she might -- but she has not communicated that to anyone that matters.

I don't want to have to quit this job. Sure, I also don't want to have to deal with the job search thing (complacency, laziness, whatever), but in theory, I love this job. In theory.

I mean, I guess I have to have a talk with her. But shit, man, what the fuck's the point?

I know the extra-hard work I do is appreciated by the kids and their families. But you know what? That really isn't enough, when it's not even fucking seen, recognized, rewarded by the people in charge.

I just don't know what I'd do if I didn't do this work. Yes, there are other organizations -- that's not what I'm talking about. This particular setting is unique in this region, i.e. one of two inpatient hospitals in a three-state radius providing these services. The population I see and the circumstances under which I see them is totally unique. And I'm abso-fucking-lutely passionate about it. And that doesn't matter to the decision-makers. And it's reaching the point where I need to take care of myself, and stop putting the kids and their families first.

My husband kindly allowed me to have a big ol' bitch session earlier tonight. And provided some perspective (to which I responded with resentment, initially).

I need to start looking for different work. And that sucks. Why can't this fucking hospital get a fucking clue? Why do they have to let me down like this?

A part of me feels like the work I do there is what I was meant to do, or at least one of the things I was meant to do. So why are they making it so hard for me?

Oh yeah. And fuck you mom and dad for being suck jerks and setting me up to get triggered in this type of situation. whatever.

Okay. Gotta eat some more chocolate, have a smoke, and then join my honey in bed.

(this took 30 minutes)

I don't get no respect

2005-02-05T02:02:00.000-05:00

All right. Well, it's been for fucking ever since I made an entry here. I've probably lost whatever "fans" I might have had (few and far between that they may have been).

I am really fucking pissed off tonight. so much so that I just paused for a full 20 seconds or so to just try to identify a starting place. it's job-related. administration bullshit. And I sooo do not want to sound like a random whiner about mean bosses/companies etc that I'm reluctant to even start.

I love my job. I work with kids, I work with families. I think I really make a difference. And the place where I work does not even recognize the role that I/my department plays in their big ol' grand scheme. I work in a hospital setting, and in this particular hospital setting, a very limited, very "medical model" perspective dominates, which means anybody who is not a nurse, a health technician, or a doctor, is secondary, or rather, non-existant. Never mind that I am the one that spends the most time with the child's parents/family addressing current and future concerns (as opposed to spending an hour gathering historical data, but not actually communicating with them -- mind you, this historical data that is collected by the nursing staff is extremely important to the child's treatment, it's just not the ONLY thing that is important).

Bear in mind, this job is not my only source of income, nor am I dependent upon that income. I do it because, as I mentioned above, I love the work. I think it's important. It's on the "front lines" of mental health treatment; it's where the next wave of mental health problems are first being seen, treated, acknowledged, addressed, explored...... I do, I love it. And I get so pissed off when my work is so desperately and obviously undervalued. I could provide specifics, and believe me, there are countless specifics I could provide that would demonstrate the blatent disregard for the role my field plays in the treatment of our kids/families. But I'm not going to provide specfics, a) because I'm still vaguely trying to assure a certain degree of anonymity and b) it'll just piss me off more.

I don't know if my anger is more about my own experience of feeling mistreated and disrespected (plenty of my own personal issues tied up in that), or if it's about the inferior treatment that I (and the hospital) have to provide as a natural result of the existing policies (so I work "off the clock", i.e. for free, because I am somehow incapable of providing inferior mental health treatment, much to my own detriment), or if it's just the "principal of the thing." I don't know how much of my anger is truly justified, and how much is just disordered thinking or unrealistic expectations. Is this something I should be assertive about and communicate to the powers-that-be (despite the "enable the system" attitude of my fellow colleagues, who would likely not support this effort because they believe that such an action would get us fired, disciplined, black-listed, or some other oh-so-scary consequence), or should I quit entirely (even though I find the work itself very fullfilling) or should I continue being the passive fucking DOORMAT that both my department and the hospital as a whole seem to expect?

And here's another thing -- I've attempted assertiveness on certain occasions when I feel confident that the situation is well within the scope of my competence. And you know what has happened? I get literally no response (if in written memo format) or I get confusing misdirection (if in person). And I've been left totally stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I take action based on the response I receive (which generally is nill), then I risk disciplinary action of some sort, because somehow it will be my fault that the recipient did not actually read the memo (despite the fact that this particular recipient, in most other situations, asks to receive things in writing rather than in person). I am seriously contemplating writing a memo that outlines, for a couple of dozen situations: event, hospital response, department response, my response, and outcome. For column 2 (hospital response) there would be few entries. For column 3, department response, the entries would be more in number, but would mostly consist of "I can't help you with that," for column 4, my response, the entries would chronicle multiple communications that have been consistent and concrete, with content that contains specific requests and goals. For column 5, outcome, there would be a whole lotta fuckin' nothin'.

And the point of this memo? You got it folks - to be rejected yet again. Except this time I would cc it to my boss's boss, and possibly my boss's boss's boss (if I were to find out who it/they are). And I might even include a request for a response within a certain time period, and an indication that I will involve outside parties if such a response is not received...... (oh wait, I'm of in fantasy revenge-land. Shit, things like that only work in the movies, don't they?)

I just don't know if I need to just get the fuck outta there, speak my mind, or accept the necessary evil and just do the best job I can for the people I'm there to help (despite the obstacles). I've been trying to do the third option, but some days I just get so fucking fed up.

Okay. I've vented now. I've disclosed more about myself than I have previously chosen to do, but who's counting.

(this took 44 minutes)

The Last Picture Show

2005-01-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

Weird-ass friggin movie. I'm not a film buff, but I'm sorta semi-clued in -- and I think it musta been one of those inspiration films for David Lynch and/or Quentin Tarantino.

(This took 5 whole minutes)

stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck

2005-01-06T00:14:00.000-05:00

Off to a mediocre start today.... I had such grand plans, because I have most of the day off, then I somehow managed to futz around on email and on my financial-management computer stuff for almost 3 hours (I had allocated 1 hour. The story of my life.)

Now, all I have time for is to shower/dress and get going.

I still have 4 pending projects, all of which need to be completed sooner rather than later. I meant to work on one of them today. Oh well.

Oh, and happy new year.

I'm sitting here, sorta outta things to say, but not ready to be done blogging, because I don't really feel resolved yet. More of the story of my life -- sitting and being stuck, with a nagging feeling of lack of resolution but with no concrete thoughts on what it is that remains incomplete, hoping that if I sit long enough, I'll figure it out, do it, and finally be able to move on with my life.

I've been seeking that feeling of resolution for .... Oh, probably 30-odd years (off and on, I guess). It's that ADD thing. Combined with a sort of OC (Obsessive-Compulsive) thing. The OC thing is the feeling of a lack of resolution; the ADD thing deprives me of the ability to pinpoint what I can do to address the resolution.

If it were truly OC, I would find myself disturbed (via intrusive thoughts or feelings) by something specific that was out of place or otherwise worrisome (i.e. obsession), and I would have some kind of ritual or action (i.e. compulsion) that I would do in order to relieve the disturbed feeling. Instead, I just have an intrusive and pervasive sense that I've forgotten something, somewhere, somehow (i.e. obsession without a specifically identified source), and a subsequent immobility that seizes me and demands that I "fix" the feeling before I can move on to something else (i.e. compulsion to do something, but without a specifically identified ritual or action). How fucked up is that?

I have now barely left myself enough time to shower/dress. And I am still compelled to sit here, and postpone beginning my next task.

Difficulty with transition, perhaps? I'll have to look into that a bit, I think.

Okay. Time to shower. Do not pass go. Do not get distracted. Do not take another smoke break. Do not postpone any longer. Just finish the post, publish it, sign out, turn off the computer, go upstairs, and get in the damn shower.

(This post took 25 minutes)

finally ... some of bleeding heart's bleeding heart

2004-12-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

You know those horrific stories you hear about parents who prostitute their children to get drugs, or who abandon their kids at semi-strangers houses (where the kid gets gang raped or something) so the parents can go on their drug binge, or who make their kids engage in horrific acts against other kids, or engage in child pornography? the stories where multiple adults are consciously and intentionally complicit in the torture, neglect, and abuse of children?

Well, I work with these kids. Not all the time -- fortunately these cases are the extremes, but they really truly exist. and these kids are fucked.

they are fucked because they have enormous behavior problems that will get them in trouble for the rest of their lives, because a part of their very soul was cut off, bound, removed -- with no less effect than had they removed the eyes or the tongue or the feet of this child at birth.

these are children who will go through their entire lives being disliked and shunned because they do not know how to develop social relationships, they do not know what it feels like to connect to another human ...

These children are sometimes discovered and "rescued," and removed from these destructive homes. They are "placed" (as in finding "placement" for a child) with relatives or with unknowing adoptive parents who have no idea what they're getting themselves into. Rescue programs for abused or mistreated animals do a better job of screening and training prospective adopters than the programs that place these children -- the animal programs make clear the commitment, difficulties, frustration, special care and patience required to care for their wards, and animal programs will not place an animal in a home that does not have the ability to provide appropriate care (although there are certainly exceptions to this). for these children, this screening process is sorely lacking. the adoptive parents are screwed, the child is screwed, everything is screwed.

sometime my job really gets to me -- when i meet a lost child who cannot even conceive of connecting with another human, a child (or adolescent) who trusts no one, who quite possibly doesn't even believe that trust is a viable choice, who doesn't even believe that trust truly exists anywhere, ever. a child for whom the word "trust" is just something to go through the motions of, who is incapable of understanding that such a thing exists. For these children, "trust" is as foreign an idea as their trauma and history are to most of the rest of the world -- it's something you theoretically know exists out there somewhere, but it doesn't really exist for most people.

i'm feeling sad. and angry. i sorta want to beat the living crap out of something, because it is so fucking WRONG that any human being ever has to go through what these kids have gone through. what the flying fuck is wrong with the world? man, I just want to take this fucking keyboard and fling it across the room, I want to grab a bat and bash in anything I see, I want to hit and cry and flail and scream and beat some fucking sense into the world. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING DO OURSELVES? what the fuck is wrong with the human race?????

so. there's my dose of angst for today. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me."

(this took 35 minutes, including one smoke break)

lazy day

2004-12-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

Taking some "down-time" today, although it looks suspiciously like last Saturday's "Watching the Piles grow." It's 5:25pm, teeth not brushed, face not washed, wearing my sweats (although I this time I did not sleep in them last night) ... I've been reading my book all day.

I'm also not feeling very good today -- a bit hungover, I guess.

I had a very long week. I did manage to put about 30 minutes into project-2 on Tuesday night. Wednesday I worked a 12-hour day. Thursday was a 12-1/2 hour day, Friday was 11.

My "To Do" list is still overwhelming. Nothing done on Christmas shopping (I take that back - I bought one present for my mom). Project-2 still looming. Half a dozen other projects still looming. Haven't gone to the gym in 2 weeks, which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym, other than times I've been injured.

I would probably be best served by coming up with a plan/schedule for tomorrow, but I just can't be bothered right now. I'm tired! And I'm enjoying my book.

I've also noticed that it's also harder for me to enforce discipline on myself when my husband's around -- I just get so lazy when he's here! I have some understanding of the causes of that phenomenon, but will save that discussion for another time.

I want to take a nap.

(this post took 10 minutes)

Another half and half day

2004-12-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

i am just so tired!

Got up 7:30am, got to work at 8:50 (20 minutes late -- should have gotten there 8:30). Left work 6pm, having had one 15 minute break the entire day. After work I stopped by mentor and dropped off project-1. Then went to grocery store, got home 7:45. Made my yummy dinner (which was harder than I thought it would be because I messed up one part and had to fix it). Sat down to eat dinner around 9:00. Now it's 9:50 and I am WIPED.

My options -- I could go ahead and try to put like 30 minutes into project #2, even though that will barely scratch the surface, but at least I will have done a little more. OR, I could go to bed, because tomorrow is actually going to be an even longer day, if you can believe it -- I don't expect to be home until 8:30 or 9pm tomorrow night.

And I'll still probably only have a 15 minute break (if I'm lucky). And a snack bar type thing for lunch. And probably another snack bar thing for dinner that I'll eat as I drive from job-a to arrive at job-b at 6pm (job-b is only a couple hours).

Sigh. I actually have NOT been working at this pace all along -- if I was, I might feel less lame about my tendency toward unproductiveness. No, until recently I worked about 24 hours a week, with most of the hours spread out across the week, and me being utterly lame during my non-work daytime hours during the week, and feeling bad, guilty, and lame, and beating myself up about it.

And now that I have no free time left during the week because work stuff is going to be full time or more, suddenly I'm like, "oh ... maybe I should have gotten this shit done back when I actually had the time..." Oh, and my husband and I have plans for most of this coming weekend.

Well, I think project #2 will just have to wait for my next little break in my schedule, whenever that might be. Maybe I'll try to at least put like 15 minutes into it tonight before bed, so that it doesn't continue to become that huge beast lurking -- you know, when hovering projects seem to get bigger and bigger in your mind the longer they sit there incompleted. Well, I know I tend to do that, at any rate. It would probably be good for me to make a brief installation of "demystificaciton" of project-2 tonight. I just need to stick to whatever time limit I set - because the risk for me is that I'll start and then get hyper-focused and stay up till 2am.

On the plus side -- I pretty much did the things I had set out to do today, in the order I set them out, and I do feel pretty good about having made myself dinner. I even stuck to the "one tv-show" guideline I set for myself last night. I just ran out of steam at the end. Which is what happens to me -- I run out of steam. So obviously I need to come up with a better way .... probably to NOT procrastinate things till the last minute, so that I'm not left in the position of NEEDING to cram so much into one day ... ya think?

Okay. Goodnight.

(this took 15 minutes)

small victories are still cool by me

2004-12-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

Mission mostly accomplished, except that I'm not in bed yet. But I will be soon!

I also want to be sure to pat myself on the back for having managed to break out of some of my unproductive patterns yesterday and today, and actually gotten some things done, even if it wasn't as much as I'd hoped.

It's important to take credit for even the smallest victories!

(this post took 5 minutes)

Way harder than it should be

2004-12-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

Okay. Project #1 is finally friggin done (7 hours later). I took quite a few breaks here and there, but nothing like yesterday (no beer today). I estimate it was about 4-5 hours of work on the actual project.

So now I'm rewarding myself with a beer! yay!

Now, there's still project #2 to contend with.... and if I'm going to get it done this week, I will need to do it after work tomorrow, which is a joke, since my job friggin WEARS ME OUT. So. I need a plan.

TODAY:
1- GO TO BED SOON (by 11pm). Even though I've only been up for 11 hours, and didn't go to bed till after 2am. maybe the beer will help.

2- Clean up kitchen TONIGHT (it's really not as bad as I made it sound in an earlier post), so that I can do number 3, below, unhindered.

TOMORROW:
3- Make that dinner I meant to make yesterday (husband's trip has been extended, he won't be back till weds or thurs - he has diet restrictions and also doesn't particularly like this meal) - it's not that complicated or time consuming, actually, and it will give me fuel, nutrition -- and a bit of transition time between work and project#2, as long as I let myself enjoy it, instead of viewing it as an imposition on my already scarce and poorly managed time.

4- ENJOY making my dinner, and ENJOY eating it. This point is worth reiterating to myself, because otherwise it will just feel like another chore, another thing I "have" to do, another thing to stress me out and get in the way of my oh-so-important procrastination tasks. I'm hoping that by actually treating myself to something, I'll be less likely to seek subversive self-sabotaging ways of stealing some "me" time.

5- Watch my Soap Opera (via DVR recording -- hey! I have today's episode to watch! Yay! Oh, but I'd best wait until after tidying the kitchen, grumble... no fair. Hey, even better -- watch it WHILE I tidy the kitchen. Am I a friggin genius, or what!!) while eating my yummy dinner.
-- Do not watch any other TV, do not surf the internet, do not look at this blog for more than 15 minutes to type a quick checkin/update if needed. Any other blog thoughts I have will just have to wait.

6- Give myself a pat on the back for taking such good care of myself, then go upstairs and type up project #2 like a banshee devil bat outta hell. Take regular breaks. Do not drink beer.

Can you even friggin believe I have to do THIS MUCH preparation just to try to get myself to be marginally productive after work???

Okay. So. Now, smoke break, then Today's Soap plus clean kitchen (hmmmm... how appropriate. Get it? "Soap" opera? hehe), then BEDDIE BYE!!!

(this post took 25 minutes)

Panic ensues

2004-12-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

I am fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked. I have this ridiculous idea that I can somehow stop time, that the world will wait for me to get my shit together. That when I put myself on hold, I somehow buy myself time ....

My husband comes back tomorrow and the kitchen is full of nasty dirty dishes. The laundry room still holds my drying rack draped full of my dry clean clothes. I work full time for the rest of the week, meaning today is the only day I have the opportunity to work on projects 1&2, because I am always too wiped out after a full day of work to actually do anything other than veg on the sofa when I get home. I had been planning on dropping off project 1 with my mentor today, but at this point, there is no way I can have it done by the close of business today.

And now I'm hungry. I hate that. How can I possibly have metabolized my breakfast of 4 hours ago when I've done nothing but sit and type????

Sometimes this "I'm fucked" sort of mood will kick-start me into action. Sometimes it will send me spiralling into hopelessness.

I don't even know where to start. Do I shower? I feel that that would waste precious time, but it is also often the first step toward creating a "get things started" mentality. Do I go back to bed and just try to hide from it all, telling myself I can't get started until my emotional state is back in balance?

I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach. I'm getting that "I'm doomed and I'm a fuck-up" feeling. I want to cry.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

(this post took 10 minutes)

My prediction for today

2004-12-06T14:28:00.000-05:00

I do not have a good start to my day. It is now 2:20pm. I woke up at 11:15am. I'm still in my pajamas. I have eaten breakfast and had two cups of coffee. I have read a little more of my Glamour magazine. I have spent an hour and a half writing a post about being scared of things that go bump in the night.

My best bet at this point would be to get over it ("it" being the fact that it's 2:25pm and I might have well have only just gotten out of bed, for all that I've managed to accomplish so far), shower, and get on the damn computer and continue on project #1.

My downfall yesterday was probably the beer. And overestimating my productivity endurance levels (i.e. taking on too much - sad as that might sound, considering all I "took on" was running a few errands and working on the computer for a few hours). But mostly the beer.

Guess I'd better go have a smoke and read some Jane Austen, then come back in and comtemplate my lameness a little longer, and see if I can keep up today's current pattern until bedtime. Yup, that's my prediction for today.

My Spookie Story

2004-12-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

Stayed up till after 2am, partially due to being freaked out by noises and other things that had already been freaking me out off and on all night, and partially due to just the same old same old.

After my previous post, I had gone downstairs and was reading Glamour and sorta surfing the internet at the same time (we have computers upstairs and downstairs), when at around 12:55, one of our smoke alarms (not sure which - either the one in the stairwell or the one in the upstairs hall) went off, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-beep, and then stopped just as suddenly, after like 9 or 10 beeps. My kitty was outside at that point, and I really wanted to call her in, because I trust her instincts, but I was scared to move. I was certain I could hear someone moving around upstairs (considering that all the downstairs doors and windows are locked, if someone were actually upstairs they would have had to literally fly through solid matter. This thought was not comforting, considering I was already thinking about spooks and such. I have way too active an imagination, and have always been sorta easily freak-able when it comes to supernatural type stuff. I think I actually did once have a ghost living in my room in one apartment in San Francisco, but that's another story).

I sat on the sofa without moving (almost literally - I was practically frozen on the spot) for at least 20 minutes, then I got up to call in my kitty, who did not come. Then I sat again, and sorta tried to keep reading my magazine. I was starting to feel sleepy, but I needed to take out my contact lenses before going to sleep - I had a storage case downstairs I could use, if I didn't mind skipping the disinfection process for one night. But my glasses were upstairs with the spookie, and I am blind to the point of uselessness without my contacts or glasses so I didn't want to take out my contacts and sleep on the sofa and then risk having to come face to face with some attacking spookie and then not be able to even see the face I was facing. So I gathered my nerve and my oversized mag flashlight. I checked for the kitty again -- no luck. Then I headed toward the stairs, but my shoes were so squeaky they were interfering with my ability to listen for (invent?) spookie-sounds, so I removed them reluctantly (what if I have to run run run away outside from the spookie and I'm not wearing my shoes...).

My goal was the upstairs bathroom, where I would retrieve my contact lens case, my saline/disinfecting solutions, and my glasses. Then I would come back downstairs, remove my contacts and sleep on the sofa with my glasses nearby (in case of spookies). I turned on every light along the way, looked around every corner, craned my neck around and up and down and back and forth, looking down the hall, trying to be prepared for any direction a spookie might come from, trying not to make the stupid mistakes they make in the movies where they are so scared and focused on what might be in front of them that they forget to look behind, or they're going backwards to be sure nobody's following them, and they back right into the spookie. No, not me, I know how to keep an eye out for spookies!

The contact/glasses retrieving mission was completed without a hitch, and I returned downstairs and removed my contacts, donning my glasses. I checked for the kitty again - still not there. I wrapped the throw from the sofa around me, removed my bra from under my shirt, and read some more of my magazine, because I wasn't quite comfortable going to sleep until my kitty was in. After checking a couple more times for the kitty, she finally appeared and came inside, where she joined me in settling down on the sofa. I suddenly felt a whole lot safer, and was thinking I'd really rather sleep in my bed than on the sofa, but I stuck it out a little longer.

My kitty was already asleep, and I hated to wake her, but at this point, I needed her to come upstairs with me. I spoke her name gently and she half opened her eyes and gave a mini-stretch. I spoke to her and asked her if she'd come upstairs with me, and she responded with a larger full-body stretch, although she remained reclined. I asked her again and started as if I was going upstairs, and she didn't move, so I stated to her that I was going to pick her up and carry her upstairs with me. Then I gently scooped her (she didn't even grumble), fumbled to grab the mag light (again she didn't grumble, even when the effort resulted in her starting to slip out of my arms and left her back legs sortof half-dangling in the air for the remainder of the journey upstairs).

I placed her on the bed, from which she soon leapt, although she stuck around the room with me as I changed into my jammies (I had been half expecting her to be so annoyed for having been carried around that she would immediately go running back downstairs as soon as she was released from my arms). I pushed the bedroom door most of the way closed, using a door-stop to prop it about a hands breath open, turned off my bedroom light, and moved blindly through the dark to my bed (which is something I do nearly every night, and I am very used to it), but suddenly I hated the idea of such complete darkness, and the beginnings of panic started to build. I reversed course and headed back towards the door and the light switch (again, I am very familiar with the layout of my bedroom in the dark). However, my fear must have thrown me off-course, because I banged smack-dab into the bookshelf against the wall, which surprised me and caused even more adrenaline to surge, and as I adjusted my course toward the strip of slightly paler darkness visible at the gap at the door, my sense of disorientation made the world almost seem to be tilting away from me. I reached the doorway and fumbled for the light switch, which, of course, was no longer where it was supposed to be, due to world-tilting and such. Finally I got the light on.

At this point, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and curl up and comfort myself and feel safe. The hall light switch is on the wall just outside the bedroom door, and I reached my hand through the gap in the doorway to turn on the hallway light, deciding as I did so that it would have been much less spooky if I had not decided to blindly stick my hand into a dark hallway and around a door jamb right into the jaws of my unseen spookie lurking just beyond. I flipped the switch and snatched back my hand, experiencing the feeling of genuine fear simultaneously combined with embarrassment for being such a loony-toon. I widened the gap in the doorway just a little further (wide enough to allow in a little more of the hall light and for kitty in-out access, but narrow enough to hinder any human-sized spookies). I turned off the light again, fumbled my way back to the bed (which still wasn't where it was supposed to be), skittishly twitched my way into bed, removed my glasses, settled in, took a deep breath, and gave myself permission to relax and go to sleep.

Which, surprisingly enough, I did.

I wonder why it is that we tend to believe that spooky things only happen at night?

(this took an hour and a half to write)

Queen Procrastinator standing tall and proud

2004-12-05T22:23:00.000-05:00

i've totally degenerated at this point. since my last post almost 4 hours ago, i did manage to log about 45 minutes on project #1. but then about 2 hours ago, I just started goofing off on the internet, and haven't looked at #1 since. oops.

my excuse is ..... something weird is going on outside tonight (i've been trying to research the significance of the moon in its last quarter), and even my kitty is sorta acting weird. oh, and after the soda (which I did have), i've had two more beers, putting me at 4 in about 5 hours, which isn't really all that bad.

and at this point, since it's 10:20pm, i think i will yet again do myself a favor and just put it all away for tonight, go have another smoke and take another look/listen at the spookies i've been imagining running around outside, watch some kind of trash TV, and hopefully still get to bed sometime not too long after 11pm.

and you know what? i feel totally okay with the fact that i did not accomplish everything today. with a few beers in me, Queen Procrastinator can stand tall and proud.......

(a record 4 minutes to write this one!)

Careful of the beer

2004-12-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

I'm not real keen on this template, but it'll do for now.

I'm finding it useful today to use this as a sort of check-in, a place to track my progress and to be accountable to myself.

My dilemma is that I really would like to complete both project #1 and project #2 tonight (I have people expecting them this week, and today is my best chance to get them done). Or rather, complete all of #1, and part-a of #2. But this will probably require staying up late, and not making the dinner for myself that I had planned. Fortunately, the perishables for dinner are for the salad portion, which I can still do. So, how do I feel about staying up late?

Well, first of all, I've started drinking beer, and I probably need to pace myself on that if I want to stay awake, and if I want to be productive and not make mistakes. Second of all, I'm already losing steam (partially due to the beer) and I'm ready to take another smoke break, even though I just got back from a break 10 minutes ago.

Okay. So, I'm almost done with beer #2, and I'm gonna go ahead and take another smoke break and finish the beer, then switch to soda or something for my next beverage. And then I'll continue with project #1. Unfortunately, it's turning out to be a little more involved than I had remembered, which kinda pisses me off, but oh well.

Wait a minute - I have the day off tomorrow. Okay, I can devote myself to #1 tonight, and then be sure to come up with a nice solid plan/schedule for myself tomorrow, and I'll devote tomorrow to #2. Sigh. What a relief. I'll just have to check my calendar to make sure I'm correct about tomorrow.

Man, the kitty litter box is stinking up a storm -- I've gotta clean that out as soon as I get back from my smoke break.

Note: this post took 15 mintues.

Okay, feeling semi-on-track, but wary of my own sabotage-prone demons lurking......

2004-12-05T16:28:00.000-05:00

This is an unscheduled blog, in the middle of my supposedly very structured day. I got back from errand-running an hour late (I got all caught up in one of the stores looking at stuff I don't need right now, and then I also took a couple of "unscheduled" smoke breaks).

The constructive thing for me to do is to say, "okay, what got in the way today - was my schedule unrealistic, or did I f**k up?" I think it's a little of both, but my default perspective is to conclude the latter, and get all worked up about being a failure yet again blah blah blah.

As I was driving home, I was thinking "Man, I need to take a little break. I'm just wiped, I'm feeling icky about myself for running late, I'm feeling stressed about the other things I still planned to do today because I just don't feel like I have the energy and I just don' wanna don' wanna don' wanna."

So, my next challenge is to accept where I am today (schedule-wise) and adjust the remainder of my day's schedule accordingly. This might require some reprioritization, it might mean leaving something out. And that's okay. Because schedules and plans change sometimes, and inflexibility or freaking out when things don't go exactly as planned is just pointless and self-destructive.

Ah, but the guilt! The temptation to seize another opportunity to wallow in what a loser moron I am! How can I possibly resist! Or, even better, the temptation to analyze it to death, to take this particular opportunity to sit and say, "hmmm.... why is it that I so enjoy self-beratement? which of my many deep-rooted issues contributes to this particular form of neurosis? I think I will procrastinate getting anything else done until I get to the root of what's really going on with me." Such fertile ground for self-absorption and self-pity, for wallowing in my own stagnation.....

Here's what I want to do. I want to take a break for .... 30 minutes, so, until about 5pm. Then I want to pick up where I left off (spend 45 minutes on project #1), which takes me to 5:45pm. Then another 15 minute break, and spend maybe an hour on project #2, bringing us to 7:00, at which point I can start dinner, and that will also have me back "on-track" again, I think.

The lessons here: I will take smoke breaks when I go out to run errands, so I need some buffer time for that. I will be slightly stressy and tired after running errands for a few hours, so I need to accommodate that, and be okay with that even if I have ended up running behind, because if I don't give myself a break then I will subvert and sabotage myself by turning the remainder of the day into a yesterday, and my time is better spent if I just go ahead and actually take care of myself and nurture myself for a little while, in a conscious, deliberate, and intentional manner (instead of in a passive guilt-inducing procrastinating TV-watching manner).

Okay, so that's my plan. This took me 20 minutes to type - again, I wonder if it was time well spent or not. I actually think it probably was, for the same reasons I should take a break if I need one -- it helps me to be more effective and make the most of my time.

not another yesterday

2004-12-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

what can I do differently today, so that it doesn't turn out to be another yesterday?

My plan:
1- When I finish this post, I will have a smoke, then immediately go upstairs and shower etc.
-- I will NOT look at a computer or the TV, I will NOT have another smoke or get caught up in something else until AFTER I have gotten dressed and am ready to leave the house.

2- By 12-noon: Grab a breakfast drink (to tide me over until next meal) and leave house to run errands (approx 3-4 stops to make). Bring book (to read while eating, below), bring recipe/cookbook (to help identify something to make for dinner).
-- I will NOT stop by any other stores/shops unless it truly is something I need right away and just forgot to write down.
-- Be sure to buy something yummy to make for dinner. I will NOT put pressure on myself to have this dinner meet some standard of gourmet-ness or originality. I will NOT go to the other extreme of resorting to insta-meal options.

3- By 3:00: Complete errands and head for home, stopping somewhere for lunch along the way (to avoid eating in front of TV and getting stuck there)
-- Again, I will NOT stop by any other stores/shops on the way home. If I think of other things I want/need, I will write them down to take care of the next time I am running errands.

4- Put away any shopping, gather together items needed for working on computer, bring pile of clean laundry upstairs. Take smoke break.

5- By 3:45: Be sitting at computer working on career-related project #1

6- At 4:30: Stop project #1, take smoke break if desired, then begin work-related project #2
-- Take a 15 minute break every 45 minutes to step away, ensure not getting "overfocused."
-- Consider not having this be a smoke break each time.

7- At 6:30: Stop everything, review how my day has gone. Develop plan for tomorrow.

8- At 7:00: Make yummy dinner for myself.
-- I will take as long as necessary, I won't worry about "wasting" time on making dinner. I will allow myself to enjoy the process. And then I will watch TV as I eat; if there's nothing on, I will finally watch one of my "Buffy" season-3 DVD's.
-- I will NOT watch any more than one hour of TV/DVD.

9- After dinner/before bed: Spend no more than 45 minutes (and no less than 30) on either Project #1 (if incomplete) or Project #2 (if project #1 is complete). If both projects complete (yeah, right) it's FREE TIME.

10- By 11:00: be getting ready for bed.

I have kept a copy of this list to carry around today. It took me 45 minutes to type this -- was it worth my time, or just another way to futz around? And I'll need to make some adjustments to deadline times/guidelines since this took so long. But I will do that on my paper copy, so I don't spend any more time here. Off I go....

doing myself a favor

2004-12-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

After having spent the day making multiple posts (most of which involve me beating myself up) and engaging in mostly non-productive activities that erode my self-esteem, I think I'm going to do myself a favor and actually go to bed at a reasonable hour. In my bed, not on the couch. And I am really looking forward to brushing my teeth.

A story from long long ago

2004-12-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

This is very strange for me ... in the course of reviewing a couple of websites on domestic violence (seeking resources for clients) I didn't once make mental reference to my own abusive relationship so long ago. Not until I was typing the second sentence of a response to a post I read. Mind you, I did make mental reference to my sometimes verbally abusive father, and other abusive dynamics of my childhood home. But I completely forgot about my high school boyfriend (who quite literally nearly killed me). How bizarre.

Perhaps I have been able to put closure on the relationship because it (the relationship) culminated in such a definitive and final (in terms of our relationship) event, and because he actually drove himself (stealing my car to do so) to an inpatient hospital afterwards (and I later heard he became clean and sober, a regular Narcotics Anonymous member).

I remember what bothered me most in the 1+ years we dated was that he proudly stated opinions along the lines of: "the feelings and lives of people I don’t know or care about don’t matter to me, I’m only interested in my own needs and those of the people close to me." During this time, he punched a few walls (2-4 times?), broke a few household items (again, 2-4 times?), and punched me in the stomach once (for spilling his beer). And once I had witnessed the above physical aggressions a couple times, I would get scared even when he started to look angry.

We were both so young the day he tried to kill me -- I was 19, he was 18. Perhaps youth was the reason he was able to seek intervention on his own behalf; perhaps youth had prevented him from having yet become fully entrenched in an abusive mentality; perhaps youth rendered him still just a "fledgling" abuser. Perhaps our youth is what eventually allowed me to feel relatively confident that he would never do something like that again.

I suspect that for him, the image burned into his brain is that of me running away from his parents' house (it was christmas break, they were both at work) down the snow-covered street in only a bra and skirt, the elastic waistband of my skirt having allowed me to pull it above my breasts into a sort of potato-sack-looking dress. I remember looking back and seeing him standing on the steps of his house, suddenly frail-looking, with a baseball bat (and my realization that, ohmigod, he really grabbed the baseball bat...) held limply in his hand, calling out to me. I sensed that he had suddenly seen himself, and that he was nearly in shock over what he had done. But I kept running.

The story actually has several other twists, turns, and miscellaneous details that followed, most of which are not important to this post. The details that do count: I did not press charges (right? wrong? I don't know). He asked his parents to encourage me to please please get counseling and emotional support for myself. He never tried to get back together with me; he never even tried to contact me.

I didn't lay eyes on him or hear from him for two years, and when I did it was a random encounter at a public outdoor summer event (where I was stoned from smoking MJ) ... which was awkward and kinda of freaky. We had a very brief conversation -- he let me know he was active in NA; his girlfriend looked sorta scarily like me (petite long-haired hippy-looking chick in flowy tie-die skirt and scarves -- hey, this was the late 80's, what can I say?).

How resolved is this for me? Well, retelling it just now certainly brought up memories, brought back some of the fear. I used to tell the story quite frequently (to friends who became close friends, and in appropriate support-group settings) ... it's been a very long time since I told it. Probably over ten years. I've made mention of it in similar settings sometimes (i.e. "I had a boyfriend who one night punched me and tried to strangle me to death"), but it's been a long time since I actually told any of the chronological details.

I was very lucky. And frankly, so was he.

watching the piles grow

2004-12-04T17:55:00.000-05:00

I just hate myself so much sometimes. I've managed to waste away yet another day, doing nothing. I mean, if I actually let myself enjoy taking "a day off," that would be one thing. But no, it's not even a conscious choice to give myself a break -- it's an entire day of .... escapism. Moving from one form of escapism to the next. Watch some really lame-ass TV for awhile (the last 10 minutes of which I missed because the timing of the program did not actually match the timing my DVR thought it was); mess around in blogdom for .... oh, I think it was about 4 hours, with occasional intermissions of smoking a cigarette and reading another 3-5 pages of Pride and Prejudice (yes, as in Jane Austen); miscellaneous surfing on the internet for some local resources for a client. And all of this with me not having showered, brushed my teeth, or even changed out of the clothes I fell asleep in on the sofa last night (the "grubbies" I change into after work, i.e. sweats). I did eat breakfast today, but not lunch, unless you count the one stick of string cheese.

I think I get some sick pleasure from watching my piles (both literal and metaphorical) of unfinished (some unstarted) projects just grow bigger and bigger. Perhaps it's some sick form of a deathwish? Hoping I'll someday just bury myself alive in this crap? At least 4 of theses projects are tied to career-related advancements or opportunities that have impending (some more than others) deadlines -- opportunities I am at risk of just sorta letting slide by. Again.

Then there's the christmas shopping I haven't even started thinking about. Well no, I did think of one thing to get my husband. But it's a small thing, and doesn't even scratch the surface. Although I guess I shouldn't complain, because actually I don't have that many people to shop for, truth be told. I had been planning on trying to be more timely and proactive with my own christmas list this year, to try to avoid getting some of the crap I get otherwise. They mean well, it's just that my husband's family still doesn't really know me well enough to be able to peg my taste.

So yeah, another day wasted. I had such big plans, too, with my husband out of town I was going to really take advantage of my time and get shit done..... but instead, today has gone pretty much like my evenings and weekends always seem to go. I just don't get it.

still limited in my scope of topics

2004-12-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

Is it better to receive no comments to my posts (thus confirming that I am writing/typing into a vacuum, an empty cavern where my thoughts echo back to me...), or to have comments and suddenly find myself writing for others?

Not sure. I'm frankly annoyed to even be worrying about this in the first place. I mean, if there ever is an actual "audience" reading this, I've gotten off to a very boring start....

buncha meanies

2004-12-04T01:13:00.000-05:00

why does the world have to be so mean?

tizzy

2004-12-04T00:49:00.000-05:00

I don't quite get it - prior to tonight (this moring?) I thought the whole blog thing was more or less an online journal/diary sort of thing - a sort of public-but-anonymous place to log one's thoughts, neuroses, ideas, fears, growth, random thoughts, etc. But then tonight (morn'), as I was looking into finding out about this whole blog thing because I had some thoughts I wanted to log (get it? 'log'...) somewhere, I happened across some article addressing "how to write a good blog" or something, and suddenly it appeared that my assumptions about blogs were incorrect?

As of this moment, I have never read a blog, never written a blog, never had anything to do with any blogs at all.

So, the questions I ask myself are -- am I setting myself up to get flamed, if I actually write about vulnerable, difficult, angsty kinds of things? Do I need to worry about being criticized for typos? Do I need to click "no" regarding allowing comments, just to insure that I feel safe to say and express the things I need to say?

And lastly - how much like an actual journal/diary can it actually be for me, if I know I have an audience, and if I know I can allow comments? I mean, won't that demand a certain amount of self-censorship, thereby defeating the very purpose I had in mind?

Note: I have opted to allow comments, just so that I can see what I'm getting myself into. I could be getting myself into a tizzy over nothing.